The Yankee Wench: A Conversation With My Mother

I am hoping to increase the frequency of my blog entries now that the sun has shown it's face in England. I can feel my seasonal affective disorder slowly lifting and allowing a little bit of hope to shine through. I mentioned to my sweetheart just yesterday that my happiest times in England over the past two years were those spent on my holidays away from the country. I am constantly wondering if the five weeks of holiday is worth it for the other 47 weeks bad weather.

The World's Best Dog Ever

I just got off the phone with my mother which is always an adventure. I usually check in every week for a good dose of insanity. Luckily, my father was running errands when I first called as it takes a great deal of energy to carry on the conversation with two of them on the phone. Most times my father will hang up halfway through the conversation announcing that he is bored with whatever my mother is saying and then.....click.

My favorite brother...Matt

Today my mom reported that my father's errands consisted of having to go to the Green Valley Ranch Casino to cash in his $40.00 free play and then go to the M casino to pick up their monthly liquor gift. Such is the life of retirees in Las Vegas. I made the mistake of asking how my father earned his free points on this particular occasion. "Well they sent me a 12 X points earner last month so I had your father and brother play on my club card and I ended up with over a million points!" What my mother fails to mention here is that my brother is the "high roller" and was most likely the source of most of the points. My mother also relayed that the casino "host" was phoning the house trying to interest her in a Champagne Breakfast. "He thinks I am the big spender, they don't know your brother was using my card. I am holding out for a free night stay and told him so." Good for you mom. What is the liquor of the month Dad is collecting? "Well this month is Vodka from Iceland or Finland or somewhere like that, last month was Tommy Bahama Rum and before that has been some Italian Chiantis and California Merlot." My parents have been delighted with the newest casino the M since they started giving out pies for Thanksgiving last November. I think my parents ended up with seven pies for the holiday which was considered a good haul. "Did I tell you I hit a Royal there this month and your Dad hit with four Aces! You know I only play nickels but your father was playing quarters so he did quite well." Now that the M was handing out free wine and liquor every month to all and sundry who held a players club card the casino was held in very high regard by my parents.

After listening for 5 minutes about my nephews new teeth and cough which has my sister worried I managed to push through to the BIG NEWS which was the recent trip to the vet for reported vomiting and diarrhea for my parents two fat little Shetland Sheepdogs. Apparently, my parents felt their sudden illness was brought on by either a change to the "senior formulation of their normal branded dog food, getting into something at the local dog park or perhaps the Spicy Beef from the local Chinese restaurant which my father gave to them." Hmmmm...$250.00 dollars later both dogs were on a probiotic formulation and were doing much better.

My niece Lauren finally standing!

After that we moved the conversation swiftly to the Dish Network mans visit last week which caused a bit of an uproar in the Forster household. My father has been in disagreement with the various cable companies since, well since the beginning of cable TV. To say that my dad has an abhorrence for Dish Network is an understatement. He is not singling them out as he insists they are "all in league together against the common man." Dish just happens to be the service provider for the Henderson, Nevada area and so goes the story. Apparently, according to mom my father had Dish remove the receiver for their bedroom television last year because he was fed up paying the extra $10 dollars a month which was required. He then decided that not having access to his cable news shows while laying in bed in the morning cramped his style. And so, the poor unsuspecting Dish man was asked to reconnect my fathers receiver last week. The Dish service man luckily caught my father in a good mood and after reconnecting his receiver was fortunate enough to listen to my father discuss the perils of the internet and the numerous reasons why he refused to buy a computer and join the rest of the world. "You should have seen the poor man just nodding his head, I don't think he spoke much English and was just trying to get out of the house as quickly as possible." Just when I hoped the story was coming to a close my mom informed me that the Dish Network Quality Supervisor visited later that afternoon as part of their quality improvement program. Oh God I thought, that poor man had no idea what he was walking in to. "Yes he showed up and luckily your father was home to speak with him." My father lacks what my sister and I call a feedback barometer. He is often immune to the rest of the worlds verbal and non verbal cues. Dad presses on with his comments and opinions with complete disregard for political correctness and the mood of his audience. It certainly does not help that he is deaf in one ear which causes his views to be broadcast at high decibel volume. This was his long awaited golden opportunity to share with the cable company how he felt about their level of service. I only wish I had been there to see it. The only thing that may have topped this event would have been a Republican door to door campaigner asking for his support. Well what happened I asked my mom? "Margie, I had to close the door in the upstairs bedroom so the man would not hear me. I was laughing so hard that I was crying." And? "Well your dad started going on about the help center being in India and every time he called he was connected to someone from India. Your father told him that they were very polite when he phoned but he could not understand a word they said. He the went on to say that he really felt bad about complaining about the help center in India as they were probably whipped every day and had a very hard time of it." What? He did not say that! Mom where does he get this from I asked? "Well you know your father he gets these ideas into his head." For the umpteenth time I prayed that my father did not actually come in contact with someone from India who did not know to consider the source of his opinions. The best news to come out of this meeting was my father was given "an inside number" so that he could speak to an actual American citizen at the Dish Network. This was probably a number only given to celebrities, the very wealthy and other executives at Dish Network. The Quality Service gentleman from Dish clearly recognised that my father was a potential PR nightmare and made the right decision by deciding to share the inside line.

I plan on calling Dad tomorrow for his version of events. Stay tuned....